SINT MAARTEN (COMMENTARY – By Cdr. Bud Slabbaert) - St.Tosia stopped in freeze-frame this week when their newly elected unmarried Miss St.Tosia Pageant, Rosa Malosa, suddenly announced that she would relinquish her title due to pregnancy. She became very beloved on the island for her dazzling dance performance titled “if you have it once, you want it twice” as part of the beauty contest. No one could have known her reign would last just one week. In general, the islanders are very forgiving because of the human fact that anyone could become pregnant at any time. And so, the dust settles, and the queens move on wearing their kitschy rhinestone tiara, wearing their title on a shiny ribbon and by being a good-looking crowned chick. Rosa refrained from immediately naming the father.
Yet, the inquisitive reporters of the St.Tosia Courier found out through the bush telegraphs that she was pregnant by the current Chairman of Parliament who had also fathered a child with his former wife who was Miss St.Tosia three years ago. The news stunned the island’s high social order and had raised eyebrows in political circles. In the past, unmarried beauty queens were quietly having their babies for decades. Either nobody seemed to notice, or nobody cared. But in this case…? Yet, it is common knowledge that male dignitaries generally have the first pick of beauty queens for wives, and many high-profile politicians on the island were already beneficiaries of some of St.Tosia's most bewitching beauties. There is a belief that being empowered by the charms of a titled queen is the formula for rising to rapid stardom.
The Miss St.Tosia Pageant is not a Miss Something-Or-Other. It shows the world that the Caribbean has so much more to offer than just sun, beautiful beaches and delicious cocktails! Not just any body can represent St.Tosia. The contestants are ultra-good-looking women with bra sizes often bigger than their intelligence quotients. The Pageant is about pretty women who are for real and are parading around in pretty dresses and swimsuits while smiling all the time. St.Tosian beauties are among the most beautiful in the Caribbean because of their baffling exotic ethnic mix! The first question that comes to mind is “what ingredients does this callaloo have in her?” For instance, Justine Jobert, last year’s Miss Tosia, is what you might call a rainbow person who has a bit of everything there is to find on the island: French, African, Indian and Chinese. Her late father, may his soul be blessed, lived 45 years on the island; he strongly believed in diversity and Justine was one of his 13 children of almost just as many mothers. No one really knows exactly and although nothing is proven, at his funeral there was a striking large following of crying women in black veils.
Besides Rosa Malosa, there were five more candidates who were participating in the contest and in an official announcement almost immediately after the abolishment of Rosa’s throne, the Miss St.Tosia Pageant Committee stated that the first runner-up, Eulalia Muddermoore, would become the new Miss St.Tosia. Eulelia made jaws drop and tongues wag in the “Bikini and Whole Piece Swimwear Segment” that was held Friday a week ago at the St.Tosia Imperial Yacht Club. She paraded in a creatively styled swimsuit that was hand sewn by her 80-year old grandma Eunice and it wholly showed her physical fitness and enhanced her personality. Grandmothers in that age sometimes don’t get all the pieces together anymore and that worked just perfectly for Eulelia’s swimwear. Her appearance brought her so much ahead in the scoring that although she tripped in her floor length gown during the Evening Wear competition on Saturday night, sending her stumbling right up to the flower decoration at the edge of the stage, the judges choose to see past this insignificant flaw. “Ooops, ‘forgot to scuff the bottom of my shoes.” she said, then got right back up and laughed it off with a million-dollar smile and started clapping her hands above her head and the audience joined in with a thundering applause.
At that Saturday night event in the Windhole Resort and Beach Hotel in Puerto Olvidar, the finals came alive when the exotic St.Tosian beauties competed in the additional segments Cultural Wear, Evening Wear, Performing Talent and Question and Answer Session.
The flamboyant flavor of the luscious ebony Esperanza Fammagusta evoked a rare combination of mystery and sensuality. With her perfectly chiseled face and her graceful neck, the nearly six-foot tall statuesque built beauty has an impeccable sense of style. She had legs to die for and she could sashay without a bounce, a smooth walker gliding glamorously – and gliding carefully as if she had a fishbowl with a goldfish on her head. The slower Esperanza glided, the longer she is on stage, the longer she is exposed to the judges and keeps them in a state of suspense. She knows how to stretch it like the week between Christmas and New Year.
Charmaine de Sinsanque wowed the male judges and audience with her grace, and her dark, sexy and sultry looks. She went out to prove to every man in the audience who she beguiles that she's got two of everything. She made eye contact with the President of the Jury and Former Prime Minister of St.Tosia, Spencer Llewelyn, who is notorious for being an avid admirer of beauty and who has the reputation of having not much in the head but from there on down…, gangbusters. Charmaine had that certain “Yes, I'm looking at you and don't you think you should be looking at me too?” which she topped off with an eye wink that didn’t go unnoticed by the other judges. Llewelyn was totally smitten and gave her 10 points for her performance whereas the other judges only gave her 6.4, 6.7, 6.5 and 6.3 points. On them, she may have made too much of an impression of being self-centered, hedonistic and sometimes sexually promiscuous.
But everyone was totally astonished when Spencer Llewelyn who appeared to still be in a daze, again rewarded Charmaine with ten points for the answer she gave in the Question and Answer Session when she was asked to name an expensive feature in a car and she answered “Uhhhhhh…, a Rolex radio!”
The sweet settling of scores came in the Q&A session when Llewelyn asked the next candidate, Jodie Willmoth, what the purpose of life is, and she responded: “The purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others!” That response visibly brought him out of concept. Jodie noticed it and tried to correct the situation by saying: “If you want a different answer, ask a different question.” Jodie only scored a meek 5.9 points from Llewelyn but was awarded four times ten points by the other judges on the panel.
The 5ft 6 blue-eyed blonde Jodie Willmoth was a bit of dark horse candidate at first sight, and she appeared somewhat demure and homely. But she did show a fierce catwalk on the tune “Baby Elephant Walk” from the film Hatari; the music that Jodie had chosen for her modeling. She was the prototype female to prove that the worth of a woman takes a lot more than just maintaining a great face and physique and that strength and intelligence are priceless qualities. If you would play chess, backgammon or any other game with Jodie, you would lose big time for sure. She is the type of girl whose favorite dish is mashed potato and gravy. She may be short of the oozing sex appeal of the other contestants, but she outperformed them all with her outstanding communication skills and she marveled the audience with her confidence and wit. When the other contestants smiled it appeared as if they wanted to show that they are brushing their teeth four times daily with toothpaste containing peroxide and whitening microcrystals. When Jodie, with her pretty little dimples smiles or laughs, her nose wrinkles and she snores.
From the moment Cynthia Bird came on the stage, everyone was mesmerized by her stunning figure.
She may have lacked facial beauty but definitely had other bigger assets. Cynthia wore a black satin offensively almost-see-through top and had the most lifelike frontal acreage. She could have won any evening wear competition hands down. When Cynthia competes, boy, she knows how to compete! She transformed herself into a veritable pin-up girl who displays passion and ambition. She was bedazzled by the photographers calling her name and the flashlights went off like fireworks. Instantly she became the darling of Eleston Riddle, the St.Tosia Courier staff photographer, who seemed to make the best photo shoot of his life although these pictures were never published in the St.Tosia Courier, not even in the online picture gallery of the event.
The Miss St.Tosia Pageant organizers try to set strict fashion rules to make sure that the skimpy outfits of the beauty queens still manage to cover what should necessarily be kept from plain sight. Charmaine de Sinsanque, for instance, had been summoned during the rehearsals to cover up more by making her bikini bottoms wider. She started crying which broke the hearts of the stagehands and waiters at the Windhole Resort and Beach Hotel, who were actually rather pleased by the way things were. Cynthia Bird had already been given the warning by the Miss Pageant manager: "Don't forget your underwear", to which she had responded with: “Thank God, I’m very satisfied with the way the good Lord created me and I wouldn’t change a thing,” which left him speechless. And the cleaning lady who witnessed the moment when it was said, was making a threatening gesture with her cleaning mob to the manager: “Leh Sinty have she day. Left she alone. She beautiful and not fat like a lot of dem women in dis place.” At least, the beauty queen did as she was told, but her black satin lunatic daring reverted to now see-through top became known as “Cynthia’s Revenge”.
The St.Tosia school of thought of beauty may resolve a mind-body problem that can be traced back to Plato and Aristotle. St.Tosia Pageants hardly appear to qualify as culture. Contestants have no identifiable skills or recognizable talents. They are judged for the most part on those physical qualities-feminine beauty, grace, and poise-that are understood as the "natural" result of youth, heredity, and good breeding. St.Tosian beauty queens will never appear as technical workers, poets or academics. They realize they’ve got a lot more to gain than to lose from being in the pageant, by being more refined in body and not in mind. These emissaries of celestial feminine gorgeousness feel that they are destined to be the wife of a very important personality and will put their best foot forward, and not just their foot, as they endeavor to represent themselves first to the highest degree while showcasing a just diminutive sample of cultural elements of St.Tosia.
About the author.
The almost true stories and almost believable stories of St.Tosia are written by Cdr. Bud Slabbaert who claims that it is what he has experienced while residing on St.Tosia and monitoring what else is going on in the Caribbean.